A Sad Psalm
by knux33
Summary: Looking for some peace and quiet,Lavi finds Allen instead. Allen is reading a prayer,one that despairs above all others. Trying to help Allen understand it, Lavi finds he needs some help understanding it himself. Angst/Friendship/OpenToSugestion
1. Chapter 1

**A Sad Psalm**

Author: knux33

Summary: Looking for some peace and quiet,Lavi finds Allen instead. Allen is reading a prayer,one that despairs above all others. Trying to help Allen understand it, Lavi finds he needs some help understanding it himself. Angst/Allen/14, ONESHOT?/Friendship/Open to any Change

Disclaimer: Don't own D.Gray-Man or Psalm 88, and I never will.

* * *

The hallway was unfamiliar to Lavi, and the walls were adorned with dull, bleak paintings that all seemed dark in the night. The artwork was nothing special, just scenery of places had or had not been to, and a few portraits of ugly old men of questionable importance.

Every one else was in bed, or hidden in their dark offices, working. The scientist seemed unable to stop, working day and night until they dropped or some other outside force pulled them away before exhaustion set in. It was hard for them, with so many of their number now dead ...

Lavi turned his eyes from the artwork to the oriental rug that lined the floor, covering the wooden floor. It looked expensive, and made Lavi's bare feet itch. It was better that having to walk on cold stone in the middle of the night, Lavi grudgingly admitted that, but it wasn't that much of an improvement.

In his room Bookman laid in his own bed, actually sleeping without snoring for once. But, with the silence, came unfamiliar creeks and sounds.

In the silence, Lavi found he could not sleep. His mind would not let him. Bookman never kept secrets; at least, not from his apprentice. He was supposed to teach Lavi everything, pass on every bit of information. God knew that's what had given Lavi sleepless nights before, just trying to memorize it all.

But now, nothing made any sense. Nothing. And yet, all the pieces fit neatly into their places, making a perfect picture.

Flawless.

Allen Walker, host to the fourteenth Noah, Destroyer of Time, possible savior to them all. It made sense. Lots of sense. Lavi didn't want it to make sense. He wanted to go learn more historical secrets, kill some akuma, save a fragment of Innocence, maybe meet a beautiful woman or two on the way. Make everything normal again.

Lavi sighed, and was surprised to hear and echo from an open door he was walking by. Looking in, he saw he had come to a small room for prayer.

He remembered vaguely that the last Headquarter had also had such rooms for individual prayer, but they had hardly been used. It was surprising they wasted the space on such useless little rooms, putting in a bench, a bible, and a small place to light candles.

When leading in the fight against the end of the world, prayer was deemed surprisingly unimportant as the fighters were either fighting or resting to go and save the world some more. To go save a world that didn't even realize it needed saving.

But, this little useless room was occupied by, _speak of the devil_, Allen Walker. And was even reading the Bible, mouthing some of the words to himself. Allen was turned away from the door, and didn't notice the red-head behind him.

It was a surprise to see the boy without Howard Link, but Lavi expected the surveillance had been loosened a bit, being in a building swarmed with Crow agents and guards at every exit. Besides, if Allen wanted out, it was a fairly simply thing for him to just form the thought, play the music, and be gone.

Though, Lavi knew one thing the boy couldn't run from ...

Lavi was about to greet Allen's back when the teen exclaimed to the air, "I _don't get it_!" Almost scaring Lavi out of his skin.

Well, the night _had_ been quiet--

"Hey Allen," The named boy whipped around, surprised evident.

"Lavi?" Allen had obviously been expecting to be alone for the night.

"Can't sleep?" Lavi asked, joining Allen on his bench. _If they really want people to use these rooms, they could at least get some cushions for these butt-breaking-benches ..._

"Naw, trying to figure something out. You?" Allen moved to give Lavi a bit more space, Bible still in his lap.

"Insomnia." Lavi explained, peering curiously at the page Allen had the tome opened to. "You're trying to figure out a Psalm?"

"Oh, y-yeah," Allen flushed, looking embarrassed. "It just sort of caught my eye. But I don't get it."

"Which one is it?" Lavi asked, reaching for the book.

"Psalm 88."

Lavi found it quickly, already being on the page, though half of it trailed onto the next page. "'A Despairing Lament'? Not very good choice in reading if you ask me."

Allen rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, it's not very easy to read either."

"Well, the beginning is pretty straight forward." Clearing his throat, Lavi read: "'_A song; a psalm of the Korahites. For the leader; according to Mahalath. For singing; a maskil of Heman the Ezrahite._'

That's just what it was written for, and we can disregard it. The next verse is where it really begins. '_Lord, my God, I call out by day; at night I cry aloud in your presence._' Well, the writer prays during the day, and at night he dreams of God. That's also pretty straight forward."

Allen interrupted hesitantly. "But it sounds more like he asks for God to come during the morning, but he doesn't, and comes at night. And '_cry aloud'_ sounds to me like it's almost painful."

Lavi glanced at the white-haired boy, giving a grin. "Just who is supposed to be the interpreter here?"

"Sorry," Allen almost laughed at Lavi's 'serious' face.

"No problem. Now, where was I ... Oh yeah! '_Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry. For my soul is filled with troubles; my life draws near to Sheol. I am reckoned with those who go down to the pit; I am weak, without strength._'

Again, this is all just how you look at it. The author is begging God to listen, and that he feels close to death. That he needs strength. Any questions?"

Allen read the passage himself. "It doesn't seem like begging, more like asking. But how do you know he's dieing?"

"_Sheol_ is sort of like the underworld, and '_down to the pit' _can mean that he is marked to die, or that he will suffer the second death."

"Second death?" Allen asked. "What's that?"

"Weeell," Lavi said, "The 'second death' is when, in Revelation, God casts all of the people marked by the Devil into the fiery pit, which is the second and final death, along with Hades and all of the other places the dead go."

"Doesn't sound very pleasant." Allen mumbled.

"Nope, anyway, on with our Psalm: '_My couch is among the dead, with the slain who lie in the grave. You remember them no more; they are cut off from your care. You plunged me into the bottom of the pit, into the darkness of the abyss. Your wrath lies heavy upon me; all your waves crash over me._'"

Lavi stopped. "What gripped you to read this anyway? It's kind of ..."

"Depressing?" Allen offered, taking the book back. "Yeah, but when I was fingering through it seemed to just jump out at me." The boys eye moved as he read ahead, and sighed. "I don't get why God would do this to a person."

"Why? Well, let me read a bit more, maybe it mentions what the poor dude did." Lavi took the book back as Allen passed it to him, and began to read aloud again.

"'_Because of you my friends shun me; you make me loathsome to them; Caged in, I cannot escape; __my eyes grow dim from trouble. All day I call on you, Lord; I stretch out my hands to you._'"

Lavi stopped, blinking. My friends shun me. You make me loathsome to them.

Caged in.

Can't escape.

"Allen?" Lavi looked at him, but the boy didn't answer intimately. He was rubbing absentmindedly at his head.

"I've just got a little headache. Please keep reading." Allen said this with a smile, but it didn't reach his ashen gray eyes.

Lavi kept reading.

"'_Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the shades arise and praise you? __Is your love proclaimed in the grave, your fidelity in the tomb? __Are your marvels declared in the darkness, your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion_?'"

Lavi stopped, glad the strange subjects of the lines before hadn't repeated themselves. "Well, these lines are the author asking God if he would really rather have the dead worshiping him than the living. If he works for those already in his 'care.' This really is a strange read to pick Allen, it's even a little confusing to me--"

"Yeah." Allen didn't miss how he had paused at the lines before, and had stopped messaging his temples. "Just keep reading."

Lavi obliged him. His voice was softer and more thoughtful, and the next few lines came out darker than intended. "'_But I cry out to you, Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you. __Why do you reject me, Lord? Why hide your face from me? __I am mortally afflicted since youth; lifeless, I suffer your terrible blows_.'"

Lavi swallowed. "Well ... he is talking of how he prays each morning, and that God never answers. That he has been ... _mortally afflicted since youth; lifeless_ ... and that his life sucks. I seriously don't get why you want to read this--"

Allen just gave him a sad look, and Lavi turned the page to read the last few lines. Looking at them, he wished he had never entered the room. He didn't want to read such small sorrows aloud. But he did anyway, pressured into it by the silence and shadows cast by the small light in the room, and by the boy siting ever so quietly next to him.

He took a deep breath.

"'_Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have reduced me to silence. __All the day they surge round like a flood; from every side they close in on me_.'"

He hesitated on the last line, deciding instead to delay the inevitable by explaining the last lines before. "Whoever this is, I think he was pretty depressed, talking about how life's miseries where closing in from all angles. He really should of just looked on the bright side and--"

Silence. Allen was looking at him imploringly, silently asking for the last line. Lavi didn't want to give it.

So Allen gently grabbed the book, and read the last, little, sad line. "'_Because of you companions shun me; my only friend is darkness._'"

Lavi sighed. "Well, I'm sure glad we're not in the same state of mind as that guy. This little Psalm is giving me chills. Plus, we've got a lot more friends than darkness, don't we Allen?"

Allen gave a small smile. "Yeah." He put the book down onto the bench space between them, and got up to stretch. "Well, I think I'm ready for bed."

He walked out of the room, waving goodbye as he left.

"Good night Allen."

"See you tomorrow Lavi."

And so the room was empty, and Lavi was alone in his solitude again. He thought about the lines, and tried to guess at their possible deeper meaning.

The only thing that seemed to scream out at him was that the man who wrote this was clearly screaming, 'Why are you doing this to me God? Why?'

Sighing, wondering why he had volunteered to read the dark thing in the first place, Lavi got up, only to curse as he accidentally knocked the Bible to the floor.

It had fallen spine-down, and had opened to a passage in the new testament, in the book of Matthew. Lavi, hoping to find something so uplifting it would make him high, read a line.

The Bookman apprentice's jaw gaped and he stopped reading, paralyzed by horror. What damnable game was God playing at?

There. Right there, under his nose was:

'_Thus the total number of generations from Abraham to David is fourteen generations; from David to the Babylonian exile, fourteen generations; from the Babylonian exile to the Messiah, fourteen generations._'

Fourteen generations.

That was _not_ something he had wanted to find, a reminder of his friends coming doom. He closed the tome with a little more force than necessary and slapped it back down onto the bench, marching from the room at double-time.

So much for finding peace. At this rate, Lavi hoped he would be able to ever sleep again.

He couldn't even imagine what it must be like for Allen ...

'_All the day they surge round like a flood; from every side they close in on me_.'

The words came unbidden, as they often did with his photographic memory as it was. Lavi smacked his forehead, willing the Psalm to go away, but the passage did not disappear.

'_Because of you my friends shun me; you make me loathsome to them; Caged in, I cannot escape; __my eyes grow dim from trouble._'

Lavi flinched at the reminder. No one knew what was really happening to Allen. No one besides himself. Sure, all of the exorcists, Komui, Malcom, and the guards stationed knew what was going to happen, but they didn't know exactly _how_ it was going to happen.

And, even then, they had Cross's ominous words.

Lavi walked back to his room, overhearing a guard along the way whispering to his fellow, "--you see that boy that walked by ... yeah, he was Allen Walker. They say he's--"

Lavi lost the thread of the conversation was he walked farther and farther away, and he didn't really try to listen either.

Down the hall, he passed Allen's room. The light was out, and the room was silent. Lavi was surprised, he hadn't left the room that much later than Allen. Slipping past, Lavi continued on to his own room, and wished he had never left it to begin with.

That Psalm never did mention what the author did to deserve such a fate. Maybe he didn't do anything, maybe he was just a victim of a cruel God's joke ... and maybe Lavi needed to get some sleep before all of this wondering finally drove him insane ...

He open the door to his room, and slipped into the quiet darkness.

* * *

**AN**: Ok, random madness I got when reading the Bible. (Yes, some people really do that.) The Psalm reminded me of the Noah, as they never mention how Noah are 'chosen' really, and how Allen just got told ... well, you all know, right? Chapter 166 and up? Yeah.

This is a Oneshot Friendfic, unless I'm told otherwise. It can become anything you all want if you ask. I'm willing to add a chapter with Allen's perspective on this whole thing if you want it, or maybe an eventual Laven if you ask nicely.

Leave a review on your way out please, good or bad.

Really, tell me what you want.

-knux33


	2. Chapter 2

**"I know and am convinced in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; **

**still, it is unclean for someone who thinks it unclean."**

**Romans 14: 14**

It the darkness of the night, the white-haired boy found he couldn't sleep. Moonlight ghosted through the window of his room, and illuminated everything to the barest degree of visibility, making the shadows seem to move and twitch of their own accord.

Allen sighed, wishing that his head would stop aching.

He couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened.

In his restlessness and uneasy feelings, he had gone looking for something to take his mind off of what was going to happen (and possibly already happening) to him, and had found a hollow reminder instead.

But ... at least he hadn't had to think about it alone.

Lavi had walked in, quite unexpectedly, and put on a smiling face for him, even trying to explain the text in less damning words than the ones that were written.

Allen appreciated what Lavi had tried to do, but there really wasn't any way to ignore the truth.

He was a Noah.

His heart began aching more than his head, and Allen curled up into a small ball under the thick, luxurious sheets of his bed, wishing that his Master had been wrong, that he _wasn't_ going to turn into a blood-thirsty monster.

But, deep down, Allen knew that Cross was right.

His gaze drifted the the mirror above his dresser, and he knew that there was no other explanation. The shadow grinned down at him, as always, from the flat bit of reflective surface he could see, grinning.

Why did the shadow have to be so happy with his damnation? Why couldn't it be ... less cheerful with its place in the world behind the mirror?

But, at least, it was silent. It hadn't spoken to him since he was in the Ark, and Allen was grateful for that.

The Exorcist didn't know how he would have handled voices chattering away in his head.

Allen got up from bed for the second time this night, walking closer to the mirror. He examined the ... thing, on the other side.

It was the same as always. Large grin, empty eyes, white clothing in contrast to his own black uniform, and the black, shadowy face forever shifting.

Allen wanted it to go away. He wanted it to tell him why it had chosen _him_. He wanted to reach across the reflexive barrier and strangle it.

But, all he did, was stare.

It stared back at him, forever smiling.

Allen remembered what had happened only a short time ago:

"'_My only friend is darkness._'" ... the Psalm's ending rang again, read aloud in memory by Lavi's sad voice.

But, then the voice had continued after a sigh:"_Well, I'm sure glad we're not in the same state of mind as that guy. This little Psalm is giving me chills. Plus, we've got a lot more friends than darkness, don't we Allen_?"

Clenching his fists, Allen smiled grimly at the specter. "I'm not alone." He said.

The reflection was silent.

"I have people that love me. People I have to _protect_. I will _never_ let you hurt them."

"**I will not be the one hurting them, Allen.**"

The Exorcist jumped back as if stung when the cold chill of that voice made its way down his spine. He almost expected more words to follow, but none did. The shadow floated, silent yet again.

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" The teen demanded.

Silence. The Fourteenth would not say anything more, no matter what Allen asked or said.

Finally, fed up with the Noah and distracted by sunlight beginning to peak through his window, Allen left the room.

The shadow was still with him, it was always with him, even when he couldn't see it, but Allen took comfort in that fact that he could ignore it.

Pondering what it had said, and wishing it hadn't spoken at all, Allen made his way to an early Breakfast, hoping that he could forget about his Shadow, if only for the duration of the meal.

**AN:**

GAH, the SHORT-NESS burns my eyes! (hides in shame.)

All bible quotes will be from the New American version, as they are easy to copy and paste. And most of them are 'easier' to understand. Feel free to look up different translations if you wish to. (I find Psalm 88 in itself is interesting in each different translation.)

This story is still lacking in a 'solid' plot, but I've got a small idea of where I'm going now ...

**Warning**: Updates will be few, short, and far between until I finish with my 'main' story.

Thank-you all for your patience, and for the kind reviews.

-knux33


	3. Chapter 3

"See, the earlier things have come to pass, new ones I now foretell;

Before they spring into being, I announce them to you"

**-Isaiah** 42:9

But, with the night, there is always a dawn waiting to rise, to banish the darkness. So the sun rose, and Lavi grudgingly gave up on any sleep whatsoever and made his way to the cafeteria with Bookman, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

The hallways seemed less forbidding, as if such a simple thing as a little sunlight could somehow eliminate the darkness that had plagued him last night.

But, no matter how he tried to forget, the apprentice Bookman couldn't.

All thanks to one stupid, little Psalm.

The sad little tome never did mention what the guy had done to become 'damned.'

Lavi guessed some people just don't need a reason. They just are. By birth, by circumstances, or even by _another_ person's actions; the list went on and on.

Allen didn't deserve this. Sighing again, Lavi followed Bookman into the cafeteria, trying his best to look like he _hadn't _just been up all night.

He didn't succeed.

"Lavi," Lenalee greeted him from her spot next to the human food-vacuum with white hair. "What happened to you?"

"Insomnia." He answered, sitting down on Allen's other side as Bookman went to get his own food. He placed his elbow on the fine oak-wood table and propped his head up with his arm.

"Rn't 'ou 'oing oo 'ave 're-fas?" Allen asked through his scrambled eggs and ham, showing no signs of any late night activity.

Lavi stared at him. He blinked. The red head slowly opened his mouth and said: "What?"

Swallowing most the the food down, Allen said repeated his question with greater clarity. "Aren't you going to have Breakfast?"

Lavi shook his head in a 'no.'

Allen went back to his feast, little bits of his meal flying in different directions, as if the scrambled eggs were trying to run away from him.

Lavi would never cease to be amazed, and slightly sicked, by the sight of Allen eating.

The red head spoke a bit with Lenalee as he tried to get over the events of last night. Allen seemed content with pretending the moment had never happened, and Lavi was happy to oblige him.

Now, if he could only get his brain to compromise.

'_My only friend is darkness._'

No one had abandoned Allen. Yet. At least ... no one that mattered had begun treating Allen any differently. A majority of the exorcists even tried to cheer Allen up whenever they were in the building, and not out, gone on a mission.

Well, Kanda didn't, but that samurai's attitude was something they all dealt with, not just Allen.

But, Lavi couldn't help but wonder. What Allen was going to become wasn't public knowledge. The only rumors that were going around were of Allen's supposed 'heresy charge.'

And, even with only that, quite a few of the scientists were avoiding the exorcist, and a few Finders as well. But, they were the ones that didn't really _know_ Allen to begin with, so it wasn't that much of a loss.

But the numbers did tend to seem scary every once and a while. Those that didn't really know Allen outnumbered those that did, especially since quite a few of the ones that had known Allen had died ...

"-vi, Lavi!" Lenalee was saying, snapping the Junior Bookman out of his half-thinking half-sleeping doze.

"Wha'?" He asked, blinking.

"I was just asking if you knew about what Inspector Levier was doing to the Science Section." The girl said, looking a little worried.

"Ah, sorry. I'm really out of it this morning. What's Mr. bushy-mustache doing to the Science Section?"

Lenalee didn't smile at the nick-name Lavi had personally given Levier, and that was a bad sign in itself. "He's dividing it into three."

"_What_?!" Was the reaction both Lavi and Allen had, though Allen's 'what' came out as more of a 'fwha?!'

Lavi knew the poor Section was small, and was wondering how they could possibly divide such a little number of people.

Lenalee nodded. "I know. _And _they're bringing in a lot of new people from Central to fill in most of the new Sections."

Great. More strangers to point and gape at the 'heretic.' A quick glance at Allen told Lavi that the boy was thinking along the same lines, as the white-haired Exorcist was eating more slowly, eyes glued to his plate.

"And there are going to be two new Section Leaders besides Reever," The girl continued quietly.

"Mm-hmm," Lavi hummed. "And why do we need two new Sections?"

A glance, almost missed, was shot in Allen's direction, before switching back to her empty plate. "I don't know. My brother wouldn't tell me ..." Lenalee's word trailed off into silence.

Lavi knew just as well as she did why there were more scientists in HQ, and why they were from Central.

The more people that came from Central, would be more people listening to the 'Inspector' instead of the 'Supervisor.'

And once the Inspector got a majority truly loyal to whatever he said, and not just the unsure lot they had now, he would be the one in control.

Complete control.

_How many times have I seen things like this happen?_ Lavi asked himself. _Ten? Twenty times? A battle for power like this isn't uncommon in war. Heck, battles like this are the _reason_ for war!_

The Bookman listed the logical course of events in his mind:

First, Inspector Malcom would get the majority of the population 'loyal' to him, instead of Komui.

Second, he would enforce that loyalty by giving orders. Simple, at first. _Harmless_, at first. Then, he would test their 'devotion' by asking them to ... 'weed-out' those that didn't agree with the 'right' way.

And then the real battle would begin. Certain Finders, Scientists, and even the Civilian staff like cooks and nurses would begin to be fired for weak reasons.

After a while, they won't even bother to give reasons at all.

Maybe, those he couldn't fire, like those higher up in the food chain, would start to disappear ...

At that point, the Order would be Malcom's, and those that had once even dared to go against him would be gone, and the rest to scared to do anything other that follow orders.

Hmph. Pretty simple.

And stage one was already in play ...

"See you guys later," Lenalee said, getting up. "I have to get Reever and everyone else their morning coffee, or they won't last very long."

Lavi waved good-bye half heartedly, and Allen said some garbled farewell, but using smiles that tasted stale on their own faces.

And then, it was just them.

With the girl gone, the table seemed just a little less lively. There was no excuse to act innocent anymore. The very atmosphere seemed to tense slightly.

Lavi glanced at Allen, only to find the boy looking back. For a moment, they shared a moment of sad companionship, both knowing what was doomed to happen next, before Lavi got up quickly and left.

The red head mumbled something about some documents before walking away.

The red-head felt that if he just started walking, going somewhere, doing something, he could escape the thoughts that echoed in his head.

For some reason, Lavi felt like he had betrayed Allen in some way by leaving that table, but he tried to stifle the feelings as he went on, looking for something,_ anything_, to take take his mind off of the calculated madness that was happening around him.

But he couldn't escape it.

Inspector Malcom was going to take over, and that would be the end of that.

It would be the end ... of a lot of things.

With a groan to himself, Lavi rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. He really didn't want to go to the Library, there were too many people there. And he couldn't go back to the Cafeteria, Bookman was there, and he had just left Allen in a vain attempt to escape what was happening.

Where could he go ... ?

Some place quiet. Someplace secluded.

A memory tingled at the back of his head, of a Library he had yet to look over. Of a Library that had walls of books and a very high chance of quiet solitude.

A place a Noah had made ... though he didn't know which.

The Library in the Ark ...

* * *

**AN**: Yeah ... short yet again. I'm doing this in small jumps, so that the plot can't run away from me, and so I can get feedback ... (And because I'm still working on my 'main' fanfic)

Speaking of feedback, there is a POLL going on. Go to my profile page to vote, please, as it effects the future of this fic.

The main question is, to pair or not to pair.

Review and vote please!

-knux33


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